How Selfishness Can Lead to Relationship Fulfillment & a Self-Actualized Marriage

Whether you are currently in a good relationship, in one and considering breaking up, or single—one truth applies to everyone: you have to know yourself. Self-knowledge and self-actualization are the cornerstones for any successful relationship or marriage fulfillment.

Every person deserves a relationship that makes them happy, fulfilled, and the best version of themselves. After all, relationships are the primary avenues in which we grow as people, and romantic relationships, specifically, touch every part of your life.

Too many people are stuck in relationships that are not good for them and they either want to make changes or get out of it altogether. And yet, how do you do that? It can be challenging to make changes—or change your partner (even harder!)—and build the relationship you desire.

The first step? Selfishness. You read that right. Becoming a bit selfish by focusing on getting to know yourself, your desires, your interests will lead you to stronger relationships and better partners. No amount of marriage tips and relationships will help if you do not take the first step in actually knowing yourself. To do this, you need to recognize relationship myths you are believing, get on the same page as your partner, and know when it’s time to end things.

Relationship myths holding you back

A lot of what people think about relationships is just wrong. There are experts in the field of relationships who study and learn things, gleaning insight into things that the average person just can’t see. Several prevalent myths can actually hold people back from fulfilling relationships.

Myth #1: The Only Time to Work Harder in a Relationship Is When Things Go Wrong.
Relationships Will Naturally Ebb and Flow Through Good Times and Hard Times. Challenges and Difficulties Are Inevitable, Fights and Arguments Are Expected. Many People Think That It Is During Those Tough Times That They Need to Invest and Lean Into Their Relationship. While It Is Good to Do That, It’s Misplaced Energy.  Partners should instead focus on leaning in and working at their relationship during the good times. Focus on building a “relationship bank” of memories, hobbies, good conversations, and experiences that you can then fall back on during the tough times.

Myth #2: The best of everything is possible and desirable
This is referred to the “myth of maximization” and is the belief that everything should be maximized and made the best it can be. A maximizer always wants the best of everything—technology, job, car… and partner? If a maximizer gets in the habit of always looking for the next best thing, what will they do when it comes to a relationship?

People are not perfect, nor are relationships. Every partnership is a work in progress and there needs to be a deep understanding of this by both parties. Understanding that things will never be “perfect” allows you to work on making your relationship the best it can be instead of always looking for something better.

Get on the same page as your partner

We’ve all heard the expression, “us against the world.” It’s actually a very useful way to think about relationships—you are partners who need to be on the same page against the problem or issue at hand. This can be very challenging when partners are not in sync with each other and desire different things.

For example, one partner is happy with the status quo, while another is looking to grow and improve things. How do you navigate that difference? Consider these relationship tips:

• Understand that you need to support your partner, not change them. Allow them to make decisions on where they want to go, and support them in that.
• Have tough conversations. Oftentimes the most taboo topics of discussion in a relationship is the relationship itself! Consider having relationship check-ins regularly so that you know where each other are on certain things.
• Commit to keeping small problems small. Address the small cracks as they come up so that they don’t turn into chasms that can’t be resolved.
• Put your energy for self-actualization into other areas of your life. If you are a growth-oriented person, but your partner is not, channel your energy into your career or hobbies instead of trying to force it into the relationship.

These marriage tips seem simple, but they are not easy. They take real commitment and both partners need to be on the same page to work towards a self-actualized marriage.

Know when to end things

If none of the above tips are working and you are not able to get on the same page as your partner, you need to know when to end things. People have varying views on marriage and relationships—while most take the commitment of marriage seriously, people differ on whether you should “tough things out” no matter what, or end it if you are not happy and have low marriage fulfillment.

Whichever view you have, the reality is that relationships often need to end. People stay in bad relationships for too long because they are afraid to call things off. Interestingly, though, studies show that people are very bad at predicting how they will feel in the future. Most people believe they will be more devastated or lonely after a break-up than they actually are. The fear of heartbreak or fear of loneliness can hold someone in a bad relationship for far too long. 

People can potentially avoid this by entering into relationships with a strong sense of self-actualization. People who know themselves will seek out partners who are up to their standards and are aligned with them. Approaching a relationship from a basis of friendship, where you truly get to know each other and build the foundation, is also key in building a strong relationship less likely to end in heartache.

Conclusion

Self-actualized relationships and marriage fulfillment do not just happen. It takes real work and commitment. They are also only possible when each partner knows themselves, and aren’t afraid to be selfish at times to achieve self-actualization. But beyond this, partners need to be on the same page, working as a team, together, against the problems. If this isn’t possible, it may be time to end things.

Married, dating, breaking up, or still single—the common denominator is the same: it’s you. Work on yourself to be the best you possible, and your relationships and life will be better for it.